Scream Queens

AHHHHHriana Grande

Network: FOX
Day/Time: Tuesday 9 e/8 c
Where are we?: Fictional College Town

2 hour premiere?! You’re already demanding a lot of me, show. Here we go. . .

It’s 1995 and sorority girls are dressed either like they’re wearing their older sister’s prom dress to a party, or like they’re straight out of Clueless. In reality, at least Bar/Bat Mitzvah fashion of that era was somewhere between those too. . .I can only imagine the same was true for sorority parties? Who knows. Anyway, one of the pledges gives birth in a bathtub and then dies. Also also, that bathroom is INSANE.

We’re at present day, and the Kappa Kappa Tau house is still amazing. Is this was sorority houses are like? We had a suite on campus that my friend Ann and I would volunteer to clean so we could watch Grease on a comfy couch and skip meetings. There were no awesome bathrooms nor bedrooms. Anyway, Emma Roberts’ character from American Horror Story: Coven is here and still berating the help. She’s the president of the chapter because she killed the current one by putting hydrochloric acid in her spray tan.

We then see our protagonist (Grace) with her (very attractive Goldie Hawn spawn) dad and like your fave Disney princess, she has a dead mom. They’re on their way to drop her off at college and I was like “Oh, what a cute 98 sweater. OMG. THAT’S WHEN SHE WAS BORN.” I was almost on my way to college that year. Grace is sad to leave dad but has an awesome roommate and they quickly bond over food and she talks her into pledging the awful sorority her mom was in.

Dean Activia (Jamie Lee Curtis)(not the actual character’s name) threatens Chanel (Emma Roberts) that she’s gonna take the chapter away, but the national rep (Nasim Pedrad!) and Dean Activia decide that they’ll let the chapter stay if they agree to admit anybody. Bring on the weirdos!

Chanel is a real bitch ordering her PSL and Grace is in line behind her and makes a joke to the barista (who looks a lot like a young Gaston), who is immediately smitten. He also maybe had a thing with Chanel last year? Too much is happening already. I’m not millennial enough to keep track of all of this. . .

Back at the house, Chanel kills the help by accident (face in a deep fryer), and then blackmails everybody into covering it up. They take the body to some meat locker (?) that’s nearby. Then one of her cronies (Ariana Grande) decides she can’t take it and she’s leaving, then gets killed by a guy in a devil mask through a after a pretty funny texting sequence. Also, her room in the sorority house is amazing.

Oh no! The first body is missing! But pledge week goes on. They bury the pledges in the backyard with only their necks sticking out. It’s all fun and games until somebody with a lawn mower comes through! Devil mask guy!

So they can’t exactly keep that one quiet and the campus finds out. As a result, they hire a security guard who has a nightstick and access to a real cop who can carry a sidearm. This will end well for everybody.

Ok, so let’s get to the men. Barista Boy is the editor of the paper and is teaming up with Grace to get the inside scoop on the house. Chanel’s bf Chad has a roommate who’s a Jonas brother. And gay and looking to pledge Kappa so he can out himself. Chanel is cool with it because it will help her achieve her goals of being a network news anchor, since it would make the makeup and wardrobe people happy (her words, not mine).

The guard is watching the house and her friend who’s a guard at the Best Buy parking lot shows up with burgers (that’s a good friend!). “What bad ever happened at a Best Buy parking lot?” Clearly not a Serial listener!! Original guard (Niecy Nash btw) goes to check things out in the house because Chanel started screaming because she saw the devil guy. The pledges go to find him and Niecy is like “What the hell are you thinking?!” and goes back outside, where devil guy has stabbed her friend.

Back at where the dudes live, which I’m pretty sure is above a Brooks Brothers store, and the devil guy shows up at Jonas brother’s room. He seems to know who he is but then shows up stabbed.

The girls are sufficiently freaked out, and Grace’s dad is now staking out the house to protect her. The girls pledge their loyalty to each other and the national rep goes out to hit on the dad. Jamie Lee Curtis looks on disapprovingly creepy.

Over at the really nice county morgue, someone opens up the drawer that Jonas brother is and he rips of the blood bandaid thing and is perfectly fine.

Who who is the devil guy?! Chad?! Jamie Lee Curtis?!!

Reaction: There’s a lot happening in this show, but it’s campy fun and very tongue in cheek. Who doesn’t love a show that knows how to make fun of itself? And the cameos are great too.

What It’s Against on my Tivo: Nothing! (I really need to Tivo more. . .)

What it’s against that night:
ABC: Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.
CBS: NCIS: New Orleans
CW: iZombie
NBC: Chicago Med

Verdict: Yep! Adding!

Prediction: Ratings were meh, but it was also a 2 hour show. . .
Yes to Season 2.

The Breakdown
Quote from Kid Who’s Too Smart: No kids!
Over-Dramatic News Promo: Asian Carp invasion!! How close are they to taking over the Great Lakes?!!
Unnecessary Slam on Something Innocuous: I mean, everything

Oh my gosh! That’s. . .

Abigail Breslin!

Abigail Breslin!

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About gluedtothetube

Who loves tv? Um, everyone! Especially me. I'm always looking for the next show I actually watch live (vs. DVR), so why not let me watch for you and tell you what's awesome (and what's. . .well. ..notsomuch. . .)
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