The Goldbergs

It’s like Alf listening to his Walkman while using a Pogo Ball and reading his Picture Pages.

Network: ABC
Day/Time: Tuesday 8pm EST/7 pm CST
Where are we?: Somewhere in PA, based on the license plates

Given the montage of ’80s things, we know what time period it is! The Goldbergs are the first family to have a video camera, and the youngest, Adam wants to tape everything. so we meet his family via annoyed discovery of being filmed. Mom, Crotchety Dad, Older Sister, and Older Brother

Side note/fun fact: I used to be really good at watching old game shows on GSN and figuring out what year it was filmed. I can’t place what year it’s supposed to be on this show. Anywhere between 1984 and 1987, given the Trans Ams and crimping.

It’s Barry’s 16th birthday, and he’s so excited to get a set of keys. Too bad his mom gives him a locket with a picture of her in it because she feels like he’s not ready to drive. His dad (Jeff Garlin!) gives him an REO Speedwagon cassette tape, which is apparently an even bigger crime, since he likes rap . . .”the music of the streets”. Ok, so this would lead me to believe that this is more ’86/’87 than ’84, esp because he mentions Flavor Flav. I don’t think a suburban kid would have known much about Public Enemy in ’84/’85. Can anybody keep me honest here?

Pops (maternal grandfather) shows up with a TransAm that I SWEAR I had the Hot Wheels or Matchbox version of and hands keys to his old Cadillac to Barry. The oldest daughter freaks out because she was never given her own car. Girl, I feel ya.

Pops takes Adam to a diner and teaches him how to hit on the waitress. . .who has to be 12. Pretty sure that’s not legal no matter which nondescript ’80s year we’re in. They talk about boobs like you do with your grandfather.

On the way home, Grandpa crashes the car into a building, so mom takes away his keys. Meanwhile, Barry is getting driving lessons from Dad and they’re not going well. Seeing as I had to take my brother to learn how to do the maneuverability test because my dad and he couldn’t go without fighting, I’m thinking this must be a father/son ritual. Anyway, they’re holding up traffic with their fight and the car gets towed to the impound lot.

Because Grandpa can’t drive, Mom has to come on the waffle date and ruins everything by sitting in the booth next to them. She elicits a reaction from Adam where he screams about the waitress’ boobs, which she overhears and their young relationship is over before it began. Grandpa explains to his daughter that losing his ability to drive is saddest because the highlight of his week is spending time with his grandson. Awww. There is totally gonna be a Very Special Ep of this show where Grandpa dies and Maureen cries uncontrollably on her couch.

Back at the impound lot, Dad opens up a little and lets Barry know he’s not a complete idiot. When they get home, Dad discovers Mom smelling the kids’ baby blankets and laments not being needed anymore. Grandpa cuts up his Driver’s License (um, you still need a state-issued ID, sir!) and leaves the keys to the caddy in the granddaughter’s pocket.

We see him take Adam to a new place that just opened, since the diner spot was ruined for them. . .Hooters. (Ok, so Hooters started in 1983 and was expanded in 1984. That probably puts us around ’84/’85).

Reaction: It’s a cute show with a little more depth than I thought it would have. You could make a drinking game out of all of the ’80s references. It’s like in 30 years if they make a show about now and the sentences are like “Facebook Netflix Vine. UGH!! I forgot to charge my Chevy Volt!!” The character based on the creator (Adam) speaks not like a 12 year old boy, but like the way a 35 year old would like to remember he spoke at that age. The end credits showed home videos of his actual family and I noticed that the sister doesn’t exist. It kind of explains how her whole being right now is basically Mallory Keaton 2.0. Hopefully they’ll figure out something more interesting for her to do besides whine and date bad boys.

What it’s against on my DVR:
Slot 1: New Girl
Slot 2: Nothing

Verdict: No thanks

Prediction: It’s a cute show and has potential to make you care about these characters than the setting.
Yes to Season 2.

The Breakdown:

On-Screen Food I Want: Waffles

Best Acting by a Non-Human: Alf

Over-dramatic Local News Promo: “New arrests in the Chicago mass shooting!”

Quantico Reference: Nope

 Oh my gosh! That’s: Alf!

“That kid likes boobs, but I prefer pussy. . .”