The Blacklist

And I thought I had a bad first day when I threw up on the bus on the way home from work.

Network: NBC
Day/Time: Monday 9:00 EST/8:00 CST
Where are we?: Washington, D.C.

Raymond Reddington (a bald James Spader! Nooooo!!) is outside the FBI, calmly signs in with the guard, then assumes the position and waits to get arrested right on the seal. Now he won’t graduate on time!

The FBI agents are conveniently giving us his backstory. Basically, he was super smart and graduated from the U.S. Naval Academy. Went MIA, abandoning his wife and daughter on Christmas Eve. Sold national secrets to our enemies. Has no allegiances except money. He claims to help them find their real targets, not that fluffy Most Wanted List but. . .The Blacklist (titleofshow, titleofshow!)Got all that? He demands to only speak to Elizabeth Keen. But whyy???

Because it’s a tv show and her first day of work, Elizabeth overslept! Her adorable teacher husband helps her get ready in 7 minutes (did she not take a morning pee?!) and they talk vaguely about adoption and how she’ll never let this job come before the family. Which means she totally will. He hold up a couple of brochures to ask if he should take the kids to Air and Space or the DC Zoo (um, Air and Space, obviously!).  She steps outside and her apartment is surrounded by black SUVs and a chopper. Really? A helicopter? Landing on the street? Come ON!

So, now we need Convenient Backstory on Elizabeth. Here are key facts:

-Quantico grad
-Raised herself (which means Reddington has to be her dad, right?)

Ok, onto this week’s case. Reddington claims seemingly disparate events are connected by a Serbian (Zumani) who’s planning to kidnap a U.S. General’s daughter within the next hour by staging a diversion and grabbing her. Elizabeth thinks this would be a great time to call her husband and tell him she can’t come to the adoption place. Really? You made a personal appointment in the middle of the workday of your new FBI job? The FBI agents are like “Hey, remember how we only have an hour? You’re the worst.” They go and get the girl, a tender moment is had between the girl and Elizabeth in the requisite black SUV, which means shit is about to go down. I’ve got your number, show.

Yeah, there’s a lot of shooting and gasoline fires and ketchupy blood stains and they get the girl. Back at the ranch, Reddington gives some Convenient Backstory, and explains that Zumani’s (which is so close to Jumanji that I have a hard time not typing that each time. . . ) family and town were killed when the General bombed a plant that released toxic crap all over his town and poisoned everyone. By killing the General’s daughter, he gets his revenge. . .but how?

Elizabeth decides FBIing is hard and she needs a shower, so she goes home to find “It’s a Girl!” balloons. Because adoption agencies are always like “Mom can’t come? Not a problem, I’m sure that won’t be a pattern in this kid’s life. Please, take one!” and she find her husband bound and gagged and Jumanji/Zumani standing over him. Zathura wants information but newbie doesn’t know anything. So wait, did they really get a kid, or was Xeljanz just setting the scene to have a really elaborate fake out? Zoolander stabs the adorable husband a few times then gives her the choice to save her boo or many other people by chasing after him. She opts for Boo.

Reddington has upgraded to a 5-star hotel and Elizabeth storms in and demands to know what he told Zumani. Then she stabs him in the carotid with a pen!! Hey, guess how you won’t get that information? He was basically just asking her to stop freaking out and describe what she saw unemotionally. She realized that she saw a stamp on Zumani’s hand for the zoo because she had just seen it on the pamphlet, so he’s gonna bomb the zoo! (see? Air and Space was a perfectly safe option! And the kiddies can get astronaut ice cream and learn about Space Lab!)

Elizabeth goes to talk to Reddington at the hospital, but he’s escaped out the window! He goes to talk to Zumani, who apparently takes his tracking chip. The FBI thinks they’re chasing Reddington up through the Newseum (stop and do a fake weather forecast! It’s fun!), but when they get to the top, it’s Zumani. The blonde FBI guy whose name I didn’t bother to learn shoots him and he falls to his death, likely traumatizing some tourists.

Oh yeah, the zoo bomb. The girl shows up with a pink backpack on and lots of wires under her jacket. Reddington calls a bomb expert to help and in true MacGyver (or at least MacGruber) style, the disarming is pretty drawn out. That guy runs with the bomb, and Reddington is re-arrested. The little girl is reunited with her father and Elizabeth is left to Lady Macbeth the carpet.

Oh, speaking of that, while trying to clean her hubby’s blood out of the eggshell-colored carpet (Girl, you let that sit too long! No way it’s coming out!), she rips it up and of course, in the grand tradition of Trading Spaces, there’s a beautiful wood floor underneath. Oh! With a secret compartment. She opens it up and finds tons of foreign currency with many fraudulent passports for her husband. Whhhaaaaa?

Reaction: This show was really fun! Very action-packed, with just enough mystery to keep you wanting to come back. And James Spader reminds me more of Ben Linus than Hannibal Lecter. But let him grow some hair please!!

What it’s against on my DVR:
Nothing!

Verdict: Definitely adding this show to the rotation!

Prediction: Haven’t watched Hostages yet, but I feel like this one will be the victor in that time slot.
Yes to Season 2.

The Breakdown:

On-Screen Food I Want: Champagne!

Best Acting by a Non-Human: Elizabeth’s shaggy, cuddly dog!

Over-dramatic Local News Promo: “Birds and planes! It happens more than you think!”

Oh my gosh! That’s Nick Blaemire!

“I was in the revival of Godspell on Broadway, which only Maureen cares about.”